It would only be weird if you used the urinal." So I said to my friends, "Do you mind if I use the men’s room with you? Or would that be weird?"Īnd my best friend Bryan said, "Of course not. Other variations included dyke, queer, butch, bitch, creep, once (oddly) faggot and other, unprintable, words. I hated it because of what was said to me: G et out! Was the nicest version. But I hated using the women’s room and not just because of being a boy. Grunge and androgyny were reasonably widespread, even in the sticks of Maine. And I wore the same t-shirts and jeans and flannel shirts and sneakers that I always wore.ĭown that hallway, I thought, which one? Easy enough to just go in the women’s room, give people a dirty look when they scowled at me. They’d been calling me Al for years, so I didn’t have to tell them that I’d changed my name from Alice to Alex. My short hair hadn’t been mentioned - I’d had it short third grade through seventh grade, after all, only growing it out at my mom’s insistence.
Afterwards, debating Denny’s versus Friendly’s, we veered down the hallway toward the movie theater’s bathrooms. We went to the movies, five of us crammed into someone’s mom’s sedan. And also because now at 17 I was, for the first time in my life, a boy. And, for me, because though I had known these boys since preschool, I had gone away every September for the last four years to a prep school. Second, because none of us owned a car and the nearest movie theater was 40 minutes from our rural Maine town. First, because we all worked odd jobs with odd hours. I’d been back in my hometown for a week or so, and a bunch of us decided to go to the movies together. Home for the summer from boarding school, that awkward and potent summer between high school and college, I was working as a dishwasher. I’d been living as a guy for about a year. The first time I used a men’s room with friends - friends who’d known me from before, friends who’d known me my whole life - I was a few weeks shy of my eighteenth birthday. And maybe they were washing their hands when I was leaving, and that’s why I’m thinking I probably didn’t wash my hands.
Both at the urinals, and so their backs were toward me when I entered. I do remember that there were other men in the room. I can’t remember if I washed my hands or not. I made a beeline for the stalls, which were the same as the stalls in every women’s room I’d ever used in my first 17 years of life. In fact, I didn’t see most of it as I walked in, head down and turned slightly away from the line of urinals. I looked about 14, probably, with my hair freshly cut short, my head still feeling light and buoyant after getting rid of the ponytail I’d carried through most of high school. It might also be on my right ear but not as much but Idk.The first time I used a men’s room, I was 17 years old.
Rarely it goes to both of my ears or spreads but mainly it's been on my left ear. I just want to get it checked out just to be on the safe side. But on a daily basis I can hear it but it's no big deal. But I still hear it til today like this moment. but I figured it was normal but now since I gotten smarter and mature I decided to look up what it was. I think I might either have the mineres disease or tinnitus or whatever because for years I've been hearing ringing in my ears or left ear mostly. Meaning I know it won't happen but my anxiety is taking over making me scared and rarely panic sometimes to where I have my mom sleep with me. I believe in ghost but that experience never happend with me. I just think if I try to sleep peacefully then I would hear whispers or I would feel something rub on me and open my eyes someone would be there. The other is that I'm afraid sleeping by myself in the dark. Then when I wake up everyday I feel like I need to sleep in more because I'm tired and sleepy still. Not like through until the middle of the night but my bed time is usually around 10:30 or suppose to be but I usually fall asleep between 12:30 to about 2 the most. And I can't sleep well at night and I stay up late. Most of the times I overthink and I don't want that feeling. And everyday I fidget or walk around non stop back and forth and when I do I think. Then everyday it keeps happening I keep thinking and then I over think and it could be positive but if it's negative then it will get me scared or have me keep thinking about it. I usually worry about things that shouldn't be worried about it shouldn't be worried about that much. For the past months I've been experiencing an anxiety like feeling.